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Goodbye Series Part 5: Lying

So what if told a little white lie. So what if I tweaked what was said, or the tone it was said in. So what if it all wasn’t totally true. So what if those little white lies turn into completely made up stories. So what if I actually start believing the lies I tell others.

We have talked about my addictive personality. If it is possible to get addicted to it, chances are, I would be the one to try it and get addicted. That being said, I have been lying for as long as I remember. I have hid so much from the world since I was a little girl that lying is natural to me.

So natural, that on the day one of my best friends was getting engaged and I was going to help set up for it, I had to lie to her. I told her I was going to see beauty and the beast with my mom. She completely believed me, which was funny for a handful of reasons. Some of those reasons being I don’t see movies on nights that aren’t cheap night. The likelihood of me seeing the beauty and the beast are slim to none. Before a couple of months ago my mom and I didn’t really hangout, and we for sure never went to the movies together. Jury is still out on whether or not my mom has been to a movie since polar express 3D came out and we went as a family.

I talked to my friend later about it and she said “You know, it is scary how well you lie.” Yes, it is scary. I am telling a story that actually happened and a lie slips out without me even thinking of saying it. What do I do then? Do I say I lied, or do I leave it there and hope the lie isn’t that big of a deal. Old me goes for option two… just let it be, it probably makes my story sound better.

New me says otherwise. New me doesn’t want to have to expel the energy into remembering small details that I decided to alter. New me doesn’t want to spend the time wondering if they believe me or not. New me wants real friendships, where I don’t hide behind walls and make up stories so that the person likes me more. New me doesn’t have to hide my addiction. New me doesn’t have to engage in my addiction. New me doesn’t lie. Well, thats a lie… sometimes I do. The difference is, when I catch myself lying, I admit it.

When I choose to acknowledge my faults, shame cannot take over. Shame has me believing that I am bad. I am a bad person. At the core of who I am, God says I am bad. That is a huge lie! I have done bad things, and I can feel guilty for that, but I am not a bad person. I am who God truly says I am. I am made perfect. I am Loved unconditionally. I am made for a divine purpose in mind. And I am saved, no matter what I have done. With that said, I say goodbye to lying, and hello to embracing honesty.

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Uninvited Series: Chapter 1

I’d Rather Ignore Honesty

“I prefer to neatly match each hard part of my testimony with the soft place I landed in the middle of God’s grace, forgiveness, and restoration as proof I am walking in freedom… But honesty didn’t want to talk to me about that. Honesty wanted me to bring the core of who I believe I am and hold it up to the light of what’s really true. And there’s not a soul alive who will find perfect alignment there. Not. One.”

What would cause such a misalignment from my true self to who I think I am? What is so powerful that it can completely alter what I think about myself? Is it even possible to stop something like that from happening?

Rejection. Not just rejection from other people, because if it was just a one time rejection, I could handle that better. If I look deep enough inside of me I can see that I give myself an almost daily dose of self-rejection. And that negative self talk, that self rejection, is just the thing that fuels my hurt when I get rejected by a friend, family member, or co-worker. Most likely, they have just said, or reminded me of something I have been telling myself for years. “You are a great disappointment.”

Okay honesty. I see where you are coming from. You want to expose my past hurts and rejections so I can further heal and move on. You aren’t here to hurt me, you are here to heal me. As someone who rather burry my hurts and rejections, I’m not quite fond of this idea of looking at them… examining them.

I’ve gotten better over the past little bit. I can look at them, then I ask God to take them away. Replace them with His truths about me. Honesty wants to tell me what God thinks about me. Not what I think about me, not what the perception of myself others see. Honesty wants to look me in the eye and tell me I have been lying to myself.

I am not a disappointment. I am loved by a divine Love.

I am not alone. God is always present in and around me.

I am the daughter of a King.

I am protected.

I am made perfect.

I am made with a purpose.

I am valuable.

I am created in Gods image.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

If I was to go through the list of things God says I am we would be here forever.  The Lord knows I have messed up this life he created for me. I took this life He set out for me and put it in a blender until I turned it into mush. But its okay, because God knew I would do that! He knew I would deny Him, go a separate way from His plan. But he kept fighting for me. Knowing so much of the world would deny Him, He still had His Son die on the cross and rise three days later so that I could live. So that I could feel Gods forgiveness and grace.

 

 

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Thoughts from 19 year old me

“December 1st 2013,

Without God, everything is meaningless.

Today at 24/7 Church, Kip spoke about…. well…. I don’t remember exactly, but I do remember him talking about how history repeats itself. Which is interesting because that is what I talked about last time I wrote in here. He talked about material things never satisfy us. He said we get a haircut and 2 weeks later we need another one. Or the grass keeps growing. He also talked about a dude in the bible that searched everywhere for earthly satisfaction (this was King Solomon), and he found it nowhere. Not in any of the women he was with, not in anything he bought or owned. He would decorate them with gardens, and still wasn’t satisfied.

We as humans are driven by satisfaction. We are taught that when you work hard to make the money to buy the house, and the car, and marry the beautiful girl or handsome man, buy all the christmas gifts, and all that… we will be satisfied. And we are, for a moment. Eventually, we start to wonder if this is all there is to life, then go to search for the next earthly thing to satisfy us. That seems like an exhausting way to live.

I know the only way to be truly satisfied is to be with Jesus. To strive to live the way He lives. To have a strong faith and relationship with God is so important because He is the only one who can satisfy my heart and my needs completely. It is important to strive for that.”

–  Thoughts from 19 year old me

 

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Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely

I am reading this book called Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. A couple of friends and I read a chapter a week and share our thoughts, and I have found this book study really inspiring and helpful.

With that said, I am going to be starting a new series focusing on each chapter individually. Pulling out some key points, and inspiring thoughts that have come out of this book study for me. I hope you are motivated to read along, and I encourage you to comment below the posts of your thoughts of the chapter!

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Goodbye Series

Goodbye Series Part 4: Alcohol

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To be completely honest, I am writing this post as an encouragement and a reminder to myself of why I gave up alcohol. As of right now, I am having a hard time resisting it.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a drink or two, but thats not what I want. It’s not really the alcohol I am craving at all. It is the feeling alcohol gives me. I have a craving to alter my current mind state. And that is why I said goodbye to alcohol.

For as long as I can remember, alcohol hasn’t been just a drink. I always thought people drink alcohol to get drunk and that is its purpose. I do not know where this thinking came from, but I have recently found out (in the past year) that its not normal to think that way. I do not see a point in drinking alcohol unless I intend to get drunk. I don’t understand the point of getting fruity alcoholic drinks at restaurants… I don’t taste (or feel) the alcohol so why bother. I have tried changing this mind set, but I haven’t had much luck thus far. When I think I have changed it, all I really have done is suppress it.

The thing is, I am unsure if my mindset around alcohol will ever change. I know that as long as I can’t drink without making myself drunk, I can’t drink at all. A big part of this issue, I believe, is the feeling of needing to change my minds state. I may be in a not-so-great state of mind when I am craving these drinks. I feel lonely, so like every country song out there says, alcohol is my best friend. Alcohol makes me feel like I am more fun to be around when I am not feeling like I belong. The thing is, drunk people are only fun to be around if you’re drunk. If they are drunk, and I am drunk, well then I feel like I belong. I feel like I am worth being around. I feel like I am good enough to be included.

Oh, so there it is. At the core of it all I don’t feel like I am enough. I don’t believe that who I am as a person is enough to be included. I deserve to be alone. I feel I need to change myself to be accepted. I need alcohol to make me braver, to socialize and “be myself.” To be someone I think is just a more fun version of myself.

That thinking is really sad. If I had a friend telling me this stuff, I would feel broken and sad for her. I know who God says she is. She is loved. She is protected by Love. She is made perfect in Gods eyes. She is treasured, and her name is written in the Palm of Gods Hand. She is a precious daughter of the King, and she is made for a divine purpose. She is enough. I know all those things about every single one of my friends and women that I know. So why don’t I believe them about myself? Why is it that this voice who is made of lies seems to scream louder than Gods truths?

That voice that lies is the one who tells me I want to drink. That voice cannot speak truth. I am tired of listening to that voice like it is my own. I am tired of hearing those whispers and thinking that it is truth. It has gotten to the point where I get angry when I hear those thoughts. That is when I know I am ready for something to change. I get so angry at the way things are, that I need to change them.

Anger is a great motivator for change. I will continue on the road of changing. I will continue to say goodbye to things that do not bring Glory to God or bring me closer to Him. God is within me, I will not fail.

Goodbye Series

Goodbye Series Part 3: Stuff

I always needed more stuff. More clothes, more candles, more gadgets, or more plants! My room was pretty much terra greenhouse at one point. Oh! I also had a phase of needing all the at home workout equipment Walmart could offer. Ha! At home workouts… not a thing that works out for me. Get it..?

None of these things are bad things. The problem with accumulating all this stuff is that I am filling my life with unnecessary stuff. I was filling my life with these things because they made me happy… for five minutes. In that five minute span, this thing, this object that would soon just be a part of all my stuff, had made me feel a little more whole.

I have this void inside of me. I wonder how many of you have felt it too? I am surly not alone when I say I have tried filling the void with my smartphone, social media, stuff, alcohol, and a meander of other things. Those things had put a bandaid on my empty feeling, but a bandaid wears off after some time. They loose their stickiness and fall to the ground. They loose their intended purpose. I was buying room decor, pillow cases, plants, clothes, anything. I was buying anything that i liked because it made me feel good! Soon after, it would loose its intended purpose. It wouldn’t make me feel good anymore.

I would buy it online, that way I had something to look forward to. I had a conversation with a friend about a year ago, and we talked about just that. I introduced her to a very cheap website where you can buy anything and everything. I would go through shopping sprees where I would buy a bunch of unnecessary things, and then two months later when it shows up, its like Christmas because I don’t even remember what I bought. Unbelievably Unnecessary. My friend would buy one or two things a month, because it made her feel good. It was something she could look forward to. I am not shaming her at all because I was doing the exact same thing! She just had more self control to not buy 15 things in 15 minutes. She wanted those things, where I felt like I needed them. We chatted about how nice it is to have things coming in the mail to look forward to, rationalizing my unnecessary spending habits.

We aren’t wrong. It is very nice to have little gifts to yourself show up at your door wrapped in the bubble wrapped white bag. It is nice to have a new little something to wear, or put up, or use. Heres where the problem lies. Bringing the problem back to the void. This void can be permanently filled and healed, if I so choose. Yet, I choose to clutter my life with stuff, burry myself under things, so that I do not need to put in the hard work.

Clicking a couple buttons and buying something is so much easier then having a strong relationship with God.  I can’t speak for the long term habits that come with a strong relationship with God because I am still forming those. Although, I have friends with these habit, and I know it is something to look forward to. It is so much easier for me to pick something worldly to spend my time with because that is what I am use to. I am use to sitting in front of my laptop on Netflix, or being in the car with the radio blasting. I have been filling my life with unnecessary noise and unnecessary things for so long that if I don’t have those, I feel uncomfortable. My habit is to always have noise, my habit is to fill sadness with stuff. As I try and change that, it is going to be uncomfortable. If I look longterm, I am so much more better off spending my time with God, then with stuff.

Stuff is the bandaid, and God is the mothers kiss that makes it all better. God makes my emptiness, filled. This is a God shaped hole that I try and fill with my smartphone, social media, and now as you know… stuff. I am a very imperfect person, and I am glad to be. If I was perfect, what would I need Gods grace for? To receive Gods grace, all I have to do is tell Him I’ve messed up. I need to ask God for forgiveness, I will tell Him I have been trying to fill this hole inside me with stuff. Ask Him to fill the void, because He is waiting for me to ask. For that to happen I need to spend time with Him. I need to close my laptop and turn off my radio, find a quiet space in my mind and pray. God is willing and waiting. All I have to do is accept the invitation.

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to share it around.

 

 

 

PS- This post took me so long to write because as I go through this series of things I am saying goodbye to, this is the most recent that I continue to work on. I felt very strongly I needed to write it anyways. Being vulnerable in the middle of struggle is so much harder then talking about it after the fact. Although, I have read a handful of minimalist books and have gone through my closet 3 times and got rid of garbage bag after garbage bag of clothing (I could open my own good will at this point), I still have so much stuff. What I talked about today is still a very real struggle for me. But everyday God meets me with Love and Grace.