Goodbye Series

Update: Social Media

7 months has gone by with not having social media. I’ve filled my time with things like kayaking (when it is warm enough), reading, writing, spending time with friends and family. I feel it has been a great 7 months where I have felt freedom from my phone and from the pull of social media.

So when do I know when I am able to have social media and not get sucked in again? Do I really need that full year, or is 7 months enough? I’ve been wanting to have some social media back again, but for what reasoning? Is there really a good reason to get it back? Or is it all down hill if I decide to get it again? 

When I read back to my post in January about my reasoning for giving up social media, I am reminded of what I used social media for before. I would use it to know about people, to feel like I know them personally. Doing this left me feeling lonely and less than.  

I’d like to think things are different now. I don’t want social media to see what people are doing with their lives. If they want me to know, they will tell me about it. I don’t want social media to boast about how great my life is. I want instragam to follow people who make a difference. I want to follow my favourite fair trade companies. I want to follow heathy eating accounts and workout accounts. I want to have an instagram account that inspires people, remind them that life is a struggle and they aren’t alone. 

I pray that is what this blog has been doing. If I am able to be real about my struggles in life, my hope is that people who read my blog can know it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to doubt, and fall. If you’re like me, it’s okay to fall flat on your face and have tons and scrapes and bruises…. and fall over and over again. It’s okay! It’s normal. We can’t get it right all the time. 

As one of my favourite sales guys says to me when I’m having a bad day “Hey, we can’t be stars every day.” He is so right! Social media has this “everyone’s life is perfect” kind of persona. I don’t want to be just another one of those accounts because my life is far from perfect. I can’t even pretend on instragram that my life is smooth sailing. Why would I want that? I want people to be able to relate to me. I want people to feel like they can be open and honest with me about how thier life really is.

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Goodbye Series Part 5: Lying

So what if told a little white lie. So what if I tweaked what was said, or the tone it was said in. So what if it all wasn’t totally true. So what if those little white lies turn into completely made up stories. So what if I actually start believing the lies I tell others.

We have talked about my addictive personality. If it is possible to get addicted to it, chances are, I would be the one to try it and get addicted. That being said, I have been lying for as long as I remember. I have hid so much from the world since I was a little girl that lying is natural to me.

So natural, that on the day one of my best friends was getting engaged and I was going to help set up for it, I had to lie to her. I told her I was going to see beauty and the beast with my mom. She completely believed me, which was funny for a handful of reasons. Some of those reasons being I don’t see movies on nights that aren’t cheap night. The likelihood of me seeing the beauty and the beast are slim to none. Before a couple of months ago my mom and I didn’t really hangout, and we for sure never went to the movies together. Jury is still out on whether or not my mom has been to a movie since polar express 3D came out and we went as a family.

I talked to my friend later about it and she said “You know, it is scary how well you lie.” Yes, it is scary. I am telling a story that actually happened and a lie slips out without me even thinking of saying it. What do I do then? Do I say I lied, or do I leave it there and hope the lie isn’t that big of a deal. Old me goes for option two… just let it be, it probably makes my story sound better.

New me says otherwise. New me doesn’t want to have to expel the energy into remembering small details that I decided to alter. New me doesn’t want to spend the time wondering if they believe me or not. New me wants real friendships, where I don’t hide behind walls and make up stories so that the person likes me more. New me doesn’t have to hide my addiction. New me doesn’t have to engage in my addiction. New me doesn’t lie. Well, thats a lie… sometimes I do. The difference is, when I catch myself lying, I admit it.

When I choose to acknowledge my faults, shame cannot take over. Shame has me believing that I am bad. I am a bad person. At the core of who I am, God says I am bad. That is a huge lie! I have done bad things, and I can feel guilty for that, but I am not a bad person. I am who God truly says I am. I am made perfect. I am Loved unconditionally. I am made for a divine purpose in mind. And I am saved, no matter what I have done. With that said, I say goodbye to lying, and hello to embracing honesty.

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Uninvited Series: Chapter 1

I’d Rather Ignore Honesty

“I prefer to neatly match each hard part of my testimony with the soft place I landed in the middle of God’s grace, forgiveness, and restoration as proof I am walking in freedom… But honesty didn’t want to talk to me about that. Honesty wanted me to bring the core of who I believe I am and hold it up to the light of what’s really true. And there’s not a soul alive who will find perfect alignment there. Not. One.”

What would cause such a misalignment from my true self to who I think I am? What is so powerful that it can completely alter what I think about myself? Is it even possible to stop something like that from happening?

Rejection. Not just rejection from other people, because if it was just a one time rejection, I could handle that better. If I look deep enough inside of me I can see that I give myself an almost daily dose of self-rejection. And that negative self talk, that self rejection, is just the thing that fuels my hurt when I get rejected by a friend, family member, or co-worker. Most likely, they have just said, or reminded me of something I have been telling myself for years. “You are a great disappointment.”

Okay honesty. I see where you are coming from. You want to expose my past hurts and rejections so I can further heal and move on. You aren’t here to hurt me, you are here to heal me. As someone who rather burry my hurts and rejections, I’m not quite fond of this idea of looking at them… examining them.

I’ve gotten better over the past little bit. I can look at them, then I ask God to take them away. Replace them with His truths about me. Honesty wants to tell me what God thinks about me. Not what I think about me, not what the perception of myself others see. Honesty wants to look me in the eye and tell me I have been lying to myself.

I am not a disappointment. I am loved by a divine Love.

I am not alone. God is always present in and around me.

I am the daughter of a King.

I am protected.

I am made perfect.

I am made with a purpose.

I am valuable.

I am created in Gods image.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

If I was to go through the list of things God says I am we would be here forever.  The Lord knows I have messed up this life he created for me. I took this life He set out for me and put it in a blender until I turned it into mush. But its okay, because God knew I would do that! He knew I would deny Him, go a separate way from His plan. But he kept fighting for me. Knowing so much of the world would deny Him, He still had His Son die on the cross and rise three days later so that I could live. So that I could feel Gods forgiveness and grace.

 

 

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Thoughts from 19 year old me

“December 1st 2013,

Without God, everything is meaningless.

Today at 24/7 Church, Kip spoke about…. well…. I don’t remember exactly, but I do remember him talking about how history repeats itself. Which is interesting because that is what I talked about last time I wrote in here. He talked about material things never satisfy us. He said we get a haircut and 2 weeks later we need another one. Or the grass keeps growing. He also talked about a dude in the bible that searched everywhere for earthly satisfaction (this was King Solomon), and he found it nowhere. Not in any of the women he was with, not in anything he bought or owned. He would decorate them with gardens, and still wasn’t satisfied.

We as humans are driven by satisfaction. We are taught that when you work hard to make the money to buy the house, and the car, and marry the beautiful girl or handsome man, buy all the christmas gifts, and all that… we will be satisfied. And we are, for a moment. Eventually, we start to wonder if this is all there is to life, then go to search for the next earthly thing to satisfy us. That seems like an exhausting way to live.

I know the only way to be truly satisfied is to be with Jesus. To strive to live the way He lives. To have a strong faith and relationship with God is so important because He is the only one who can satisfy my heart and my needs completely. It is important to strive for that.”

–  Thoughts from 19 year old me

 

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Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely

I am reading this book called Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. A couple of friends and I read a chapter a week and share our thoughts, and I have found this book study really inspiring and helpful.

With that said, I am going to be starting a new series focusing on each chapter individually. Pulling out some key points, and inspiring thoughts that have come out of this book study for me. I hope you are motivated to read along, and I encourage you to comment below the posts of your thoughts of the chapter!

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Goodbye Series

Goodbye Series Part 4: Alcohol

silhouette psalm 46

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be completely honest, I am writing this post as an encouragement and a reminder to myself of why I gave up alcohol. As of right now, I am having a hard time resisting it.  There is nothing wrong with wanting a drink or two, but thats not what I want. It’s not really the alcohol I am craving at all. It is the feeling alcohol gives me. I have a craving to alter my current mind state. And that is why I said goodbye to alcohol.

For as long as I can remember, alcohol hasn’t been just a drink. I always thought people drink alcohol to get drunk and that is its purpose. I do not know where this thinking came from, but I have recently found out (in the past year) that its not normal to think that way. I do not see a point in drinking alcohol unless I intend to get drunk. I don’t understand the point of getting fruity alcoholic drinks at restaurants… I don’t taste (or feel) the alcohol so why bother. I have tried changing this mind set, but I haven’t had much luck thus far. When I think I have changed it, all I really have done is suppress it.

The thing is, I am unsure if my mindset around alcohol will ever change. I know that as long as I can’t drink without making myself drunk, I can’t drink at all. A big part of this issue, I believe, is the feeling of needing to change my minds state. I may be in a not-so-great state of mind when I am craving these drinks. I feel lonely, so like every country song out there says, alcohol is my best friend. Alcohol makes me feel like I am more fun to be around when I am not feeling like I belong. The thing is, drunk people are only fun to be around if you’re drunk. If they are drunk, and I am drunk, well then I feel like I belong. I feel like I am worth being around. I feel like I am good enough to be included.

Oh, so there it is. At the core of it all I don’t feel like I am enough. I don’t believe that who I am as a person is enough to be included. I deserve to be alone. I feel I need to change myself to be accepted. I need alcohol to make me braver, to socialize and “be myself.” To be someone I think is just a more fun version of myself.

That thinking is really sad. If I had a friend telling me this stuff, I would feel broken and sad for her. I know who God says she is. She is loved. She is protected by Love. She is made perfect in Gods eyes. She is treasured, and her name is written in the Palm of Gods Hand. She is a precious daughter of the King, and she is made for a divine purpose. She is enough. I know all those things about every single one of my friends and women that I know. So why don’t I believe them about myself? Why is it that this voice who is made of lies seems to scream louder than Gods truths?

That voice that lies is the one who tells me I want to drink. That voice cannot speak truth. I am tired of listening to that voice like it is my own. I am tired of hearing those whispers and thinking that it is truth. It has gotten to the point where I get angry when I hear those thoughts. That is when I know I am ready for something to change. I get so angry at the way things are, that I need to change them.

Anger is a great motivator for change. I will continue on the road of changing. I will continue to say goodbye to things that do not bring Glory to God or bring me closer to Him. God is within me, I will not fail.