I’d Rather Ignore Honesty
“I prefer to neatly match each hard part of my testimony with the soft place I landed in the middle of God’s grace, forgiveness, and restoration as proof I am walking in freedom… But honesty didn’t want to talk to me about that. Honesty wanted me to bring the core of who I believe I am and hold it up to the light of what’s really true. And there’s not a soul alive who will find perfect alignment there. Not. One.”
What would cause such a misalignment from my true self to who I think I am? What is so powerful that it can completely alter what I think about myself? Is it even possible to stop something like that from happening?
Rejection. Not just rejection from other people, because if it was just a one time rejection, I could handle that better. If I look deep enough inside of me I can see that I give myself an almost daily dose of self-rejection. And that negative self talk, that self rejection, is just the thing that fuels my hurt when I get rejected by a friend, family member, or co-worker. Most likely, they have just said, or reminded me of something I have been telling myself for years. “You are a great disappointment.”
Okay honesty. I see where you are coming from. You want to expose my past hurts and rejections so I can further heal and move on. You aren’t here to hurt me, you are here to heal me. As someone who rather burry my hurts and rejections, I’m not quite fond of this idea of looking at them… examining them.
I’ve gotten better over the past little bit. I can look at them, then I ask God to take them away. Replace them with His truths about me. Honesty wants to tell me what God thinks about me. Not what I think about me, not what the perception of myself others see. Honesty wants to look me in the eye and tell me I have been lying to myself.
I am not a disappointment. I am loved by a divine Love.
I am not alone. God is always present in and around me.
I am the daughter of a King.
I am protected.
I am made perfect.
I am made with a purpose.
I am valuable.
I am created in Gods image.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
If I was to go through the list of things God says I am we would be here forever. The Lord knows I have messed up this life he created for me. I took this life He set out for me and put it in a blender until I turned it into mush. But its okay, because God knew I would do that! He knew I would deny Him, go a separate way from His plan. But he kept fighting for me. Knowing so much of the world would deny Him, He still had His Son die on the cross and rise three days later so that I could live. So that I could feel Gods forgiveness and grace.