To be completely honest, I am writing this post as an encouragement and a reminder to myself of why I gave up alcohol. As of right now, I am having a hard time resisting it. There is nothing wrong with wanting a drink or two, but thats not what I want. It’s not really the alcohol I am craving at all. It is the feeling alcohol gives me. I have a craving to alter my current mind state. And that is why I said goodbye to alcohol.
For as long as I can remember, alcohol hasn’t been just a drink. I always thought people drink alcohol to get drunk and that is its purpose. I do not know where this thinking came from, but I have recently found out (in the past year) that its not normal to think that way. I do not see a point in drinking alcohol unless I intend to get drunk. I don’t understand the point of getting fruity alcoholic drinks at restaurants… I don’t taste (or feel) the alcohol so why bother. I have tried changing this mind set, but I haven’t had much luck thus far. When I think I have changed it, all I really have done is suppress it.
The thing is, I am unsure if my mindset around alcohol will ever change. I know that as long as I can’t drink without making myself drunk, I can’t drink at all. A big part of this issue, I believe, is the feeling of needing to change my minds state. I may be in a not-so-great state of mind when I am craving these drinks. I feel lonely, so like every country song out there says, alcohol is my best friend. Alcohol makes me feel like I am more fun to be around when I am not feeling like I belong. The thing is, drunk people are only fun to be around if you’re drunk. If they are drunk, and I am drunk, well then I feel like I belong. I feel like I am worth being around. I feel like I am good enough to be included.
Oh, so there it is. At the core of it all I don’t feel like I am enough. I don’t believe that who I am as a person is enough to be included. I deserve to be alone. I feel I need to change myself to be accepted. I need alcohol to make me braver, to socialize and “be myself.” To be someone I think is just a more fun version of myself.
That thinking is really sad. If I had a friend telling me this stuff, I would feel broken and sad for her. I know who God says she is. She is loved. She is protected by Love. She is made perfect in Gods eyes. She is treasured, and her name is written in the Palm of Gods Hand. She is a precious daughter of the King, and she is made for a divine purpose. She is enough. I know all those things about every single one of my friends and women that I know. So why don’t I believe them about myself? Why is it that this voice who is made of lies seems to scream louder than Gods truths?
That voice that lies is the one who tells me I want to drink. That voice cannot speak truth. I am tired of listening to that voice like it is my own. I am tired of hearing those whispers and thinking that it is truth. It has gotten to the point where I get angry when I hear those thoughts. That is when I know I am ready for something to change. I get so angry at the way things are, that I need to change them.
Anger is a great motivator for change. I will continue on the road of changing. I will continue to say goodbye to things that do not bring Glory to God or bring me closer to Him. God is within me, I will not fail.