Goodbye Series Part 5: Lying

So what if told a little white lie. So what if I tweaked what was said, or the tone it was said in. So what if it all wasn’t totally true. So what if those little white lies turn into completely made up stories. So what if I actually start believing the lies I tell others.

We have talked about my addictive personality. If it is possible to get addicted to it, chances are, I would be the one to try it and get addicted. That being said, I have been lying for as long as I remember. I have hid so much from the world since I was a little girl that lying is natural to me.

So natural, that on the day one of my best friends was getting engaged and I was going to help set up for it, I had to lie to her. I told her I was going to see beauty and the beast with my mom. She completely believed me, which was funny for a handful of reasons. Some of those reasons being I don’t see movies on nights that aren’t cheap night. The likelihood of me seeing the beauty and the beast are slim to none. Before a couple of months ago my mom and I didn’t really hangout, and we for sure never went to the movies together. Jury is still out on whether or not my mom has been to a movie since polar express 3D came out and we went as a family.

I talked to my friend later about it and she said “You know, it is scary how well you lie.” Yes, it is scary. I am telling a story that actually happened and a lie slips out without me even thinking of saying it. What do I do then? Do I say I lied, or do I leave it there and hope the lie isn’t that big of a deal. Old me goes for option two… just let it be, it probably makes my story sound better.

New me says otherwise. New me doesn’t want to have to expel the energy into remembering small details that I decided to alter. New me doesn’t want to spend the time wondering if they believe me or not. New me wants real friendships, where I don’t hide behind walls and make up stories so that the person likes me more. New me doesn’t have to hide my addiction. New me doesn’t have to engage in my addiction. New me doesn’t lie. Well, thats a lie… sometimes I do. The difference is, when I catch myself lying, I admit it.

When I choose to acknowledge my faults, shame cannot take over. Shame has me believing that I am bad. I am a bad person. At the core of who I am, God says I am bad. That is a huge lie! I have done bad things, and I can feel guilty for that, but I am not a bad person. I am who God truly says I am. I am made perfect. I am Loved unconditionally. I am made for a divine purpose in mind. And I am saved, no matter what I have done. With that said, I say goodbye to lying, and hello to embracing honesty.


Uninvited Series: Chapter 1

I’d Rather Ignore Honesty

“I prefer to neatly match each hard part of my testimony with the soft place I landed in the middle of God’s grace, forgiveness, and restoration as proof I am walking in freedom… But honesty didn’t want to talk to me about that. Honesty wanted me to bring the core of who I believe I am and hold it up to the light of what’s really true. And there’s not a soul alive who will find perfect alignment there. Not. One.”

What would cause such a misalignment from my true self to who I think I am? What is so powerful that it can completely alter what I think about myself? Is it even possible to stop something like that from happening?

Rejection. Not just rejection from other people, because if it was just a one time rejection, I could handle that better. If I look deep enough inside of me I can see that I give myself an almost daily dose of self-rejection. And that negative self talk, that self rejection, is just the thing that fuels my hurt when I get rejected by a friend, family member, or co-worker. Most likely, they have just said, or reminded me of something I have been telling myself for years. “You are a great disappointment.”

Okay honesty. I see where you are coming from. You want to expose my past hurts and rejections so I can further heal and move on. You aren’t here to hurt me, you are here to heal me. As someone who rather burry my hurts and rejections, I’m not quite fond of this idea of looking at them… examining them.

I’ve gotten better over the past little bit. I can look at them, then I ask God to take them away. Replace them with His truths about me. Honesty wants to tell me what God thinks about me. Not what I think about me, not what the perception of myself others see. Honesty wants to look me in the eye and tell me I have been lying to myself.

I am not a disappointment. I am loved by a divine Love.

I am not alone. God is always present in and around me.

I am the daughter of a King.

I am protected.

I am made perfect.

I am made with a purpose.

I am valuable.

I am created in Gods image.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

If I was to go through the list of things God says I am we would be here forever.  The Lord knows I have messed up this life he created for me. I took this life He set out for me and put it in a blender until I turned it into mush. But its okay, because God knew I would do that! He knew I would deny Him, go a separate way from His plan. But he kept fighting for me. Knowing so much of the world would deny Him, He still had His Son die on the cross and rise three days later so that I could live. So that I could feel Gods forgiveness and grace.




Thoughts from 19 year old me

“December 1st 2013,

Without God, everything is meaningless.

Today at 24/7 Church, Kip spoke about…. well…. I don’t remember exactly, but I do remember him talking about how history repeats itself. Which is interesting because that is what I talked about last time I wrote in here. He talked about material things never satisfy us. He said we get a haircut and 2 weeks later we need another one. Or the grass keeps growing. He also talked about a dude in the bible that searched everywhere for earthly satisfaction (this was King Solomon), and he found it nowhere. Not in any of the women he was with, not in anything he bought or owned. He would decorate them with gardens, and still wasn’t satisfied.

We as humans are driven by satisfaction. We are taught that when you work hard to make the money to buy the house, and the car, and marry the beautiful girl or handsome man, buy all the christmas gifts, and all that… we will be satisfied. And we are, for a moment. Eventually, we start to wonder if this is all there is to life, then go to search for the next earthly thing to satisfy us. That seems like an exhausting way to live.

I know the only way to be truly satisfied is to be with Jesus. To strive to live the way He lives. To have a strong faith and relationship with God is so important because He is the only one who can satisfy my heart and my needs completely. It is important to strive for that.”

–  Thoughts from 19 year old me



Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely

I am reading this book called Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. A couple of friends and I read a chapter a week and share our thoughts, and I have found this book study really inspiring and helpful.

With that said, I am going to be starting a new series focusing on each chapter individually. Pulling out some key points, and inspiring thoughts that have come out of this book study for me. I hope you are motivated to read along, and I encourage you to comment below the posts of your thoughts of the chapter!



A Quick Note on Fast Fashion

A couple of days ago I finished watching The True Cost. If you haven’t seen it I HIGHLY recommend it. Fast fashion, for those who don’t know, is the large clothing cooperations using sweatshops to produce their clothing. It has changed the fashion world from having 4 seasons into 52 seasons. When stores like H&M and Gap come out with new items constantly, its ensuring we always feel behind when it comes to trendy styles. We will always feel the need to buy new, buy more than we had before. They can make it dirt cheap in places like Bangladesh where factories can employ people for $31 a month. Thousands of people die every year at the factories from buildings collapsing and fires, so that they can make my $5 tee-shirt that I will wear maybe 10 times and never look at again. These people, mostly women, risk their lives to work for maybe a dollar a day. What gets put in my bank account after working for 2 weeks is more than they make in a whole year. A WHOLE YEAR! And that is if they survive.

I cried at work today, I cried for the past 3 days. These clothes I’m wearing now, the person that made them is either suffering or dead. It breaks my heart to know that this is happening. This fast fashion type thinking has really only been happening, and rapidly growing since the 1950s. 60-some-odd years of this happening, and not enough people have questioned it or tried to change things. These are humans that we treat like machines. The women who is in Bangladesh making Walmart clothing is just as loved, valued, and sought after by God as I am. She is just as much of a daughter of the King as I am here in Canada. I need to do my part to protect my fellow warrior princesses (as my woven women would call us) because they matter just as much as I do.550afb91d20d4f7cf116acf6a2c0b07c